A Tribute to Barbaro

Finally, Barbaro is dead. The longest and least interesting foregone conclusion in American sports history has come to pass, despite the fact that millions of people confused a horse, who happened to win one lousy race, with an inspirational symbol of hope. Maybe Elmer's Glue can make some special edition bottles or something to commemorate this moment.

To honor Barbaro's heroism in the face of death, despair, and the charming prospect of screwing endlessly until the end of his days, I present a list of other animals whose inspirational tales often go unnoticed. They may not be the media whore that Barbaro is, but they are noteworthy, often because I say so and for no other reason.

1. Gordo. In 1958, probably against his damn wishes, he became the first monkey to travel beyond the Earth's orbit as part of a NASA program which sent a rocket to a height of 300 miles. It landed in the South Atlantic, but a malfunction prevented the capsule's parachute from opening, and the squirrel monkey's body was never found. Fuckers.




2. Uga. There have been six of these to grace the sidelines of University of Georgia football games, none cooler than Uga V, who appeared in the movie Midnight in the Garden of Good And Evil (portraying Uga IV), graced the cover of Sports Illustrated, and lunged at an Auburn wide receiver in 1996. Uga VI has guided his team to two SEC championships, however.



3. Bubba. Believed to be the first fish to undergo chemotherapy, the Queensland Grouper fish who resided at the Shedd Aquarium in Chicago died in August of 2006. The "Super Grouper" was approximately 24 years old when it kicked the bucket, and also made the nifty switch from female to male sometime in the mid-1990s. She/he grew up to 154 pounds in the Wild Reef exhibit.


4. Owen and Mzee. It's always nice when friendships bridge social circumstances, race, religion, ethnicity, and species. Marooned by the tsunami in 2004, 600-pound baby hippo Owen was rescued and taken to a Kenyan zoo, where it was housed in a wooded area with a 700-pound, 130-year-old tortoise named Mzee. At first, Mzee was not cool with the damn hippo, but over time developed a bond and now serves as an adoptive parent, teaching the hippo what to eat and where to sleep. It is believed they now communicate verbally.

5. The Aflac Duck. He may not be as uplifting as Plucky in Tennnesse, but if there's one thing we learned from our insurance-repeating friend, it's that Yogi Berra is a confusing man. And also, we just saved a bunch of money on our car insurance. Or was that the gecko?





6. Punxsutawney Phil. If for no other reason, Phil is a symbol that American stupidity will always reign supreme. The most famous resident of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania is invited out of his home once a year, famously, on Feb. 2. If he sees his shadow and returns to his home, there will be six more weeks of winter. If he doesn't see his shadow and is generally undaunted by the countless people taking pictures of him, spring will come early. Currently, Phil lives with his wife Phyllis and hates being associated with Bill Murray.

7. Dolly. She became the first mammal to be successfully cloned using somatic cells when the Scottish Roslin Institute made it happen in 1997, though health problems limited her life to six years. She was named after Dolly Parton, hilariously, because a mammary cell was used. Her stuffed remains inspire all who see her at Edinburgh's National Museum.




8. Colby Nolan. In 2004, Nolan became quite possibly the first cat to ever earn an MBA, getting it from Trinity Southern University in Texas. Smart cat. In an effort to catch the diploma mill TSU in fraud, the deputy attorney general of Pennsylvania sent the school an application saying the cat had taken courses at a community college and worked at a number of small jobs. The school said due to his job experience, he was eligible for an executive MBA if he paid $299. The officials submitted a transcript saying Colby had a 3.5 GPA. He got his diploma. TSU got hammered.

9. Mike the Headless Chicken. Talk about an underdog story. Mike lived longer than Barbaro after suffering a pretty substantial injury -- the loss of his head -- surviving for 15 months before dying in 1947. Thought to be a hoax, the astonishing feat was confirmed by the University of Utah. Only partially beheaded in Colorado, with part of the brain stem intact, the family who failed to cleanly decapitate it fed it water and milk with an eyedropper. He ended up choking on his own mucous, sadly. Mmmmmm.

10. Spuds McKenzie Life was good for this bull terrier, the centerpiece of Bud Light's advertising campaign in the late 1980s. We were led to believe that he led a life of excellence, sipping brews and bedding bitches. Then, we found out Spuds was actually a she. Alas.